Mama Chagal, Vampire Hunter Extraordinary
by Dutchman89
Summary: Mama Chagal makes unlife difficult for everyone in the castle. Usually by relentlessly chasing them with something containing garlic. Silliness throughout.


**Title:** Mama Chagal, Vampire Hunter Extraordinary  
**Author:** Slashydutchie  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Musical:** Tanz Der Vampire  
**Disclaimer:** Nope, not mine...  
**Summary:** Mama Chagal makes unlife difficult for everyone in the castle. Usually by relentlessly chasing them with something containing garlic. Silliness throughout.  
**Notes:** All this is fyrie's fault.

* * *

It was not a good day at Castle von Krolock.

Sarah, who had by now become the castle nurse, was tending to Herbert's black eye and other sore spots while the vampire was bitching about an upcoming party and how no amount of makeup could ever undo the damage Mama Chagal had done.

"Don't be like that, Herbie... you know what she did to Papa when she discovered he wasn't really quite dead. Chased him all the way from the village, six laps around the castle and clubbered him mercilessly with a garlic sausage... and we all know where that sausage went when Magda of all people came to his rescue..." That final statement made Herbert wince... it took a lot to make Herbert wince in that department.

"A bulb to the head again?" Alfred inquired upon entering. Herbert pouted and made an extra effort to look injured and sad. "Ow..."

Sarah tried hard not to laugh. Alfred was by no means the gullible youth he had been before Herbert got to him, but when it came to his lover the poor guy's brain still turned into mush.

"I'll leave you two to your... consolations. Herbert, do try to stay away from Mama. I know the fabric is nice, but it's not worth this." Ignoring the indignant harrumph from Herbert, soon followed by a much more delighted sound probably related to Alfred kissing his booboo and making it all a Hell of a lot better, Sarah left the room.

Herbert's 'booboo'... she'd have to remember that one for future teasing. Giggling, she bumped straight into the count. He didn't look pleased. "Your mother is becoming a real pain in the neck," he scowled, crossing his arms in front of himself.

"Look who's talking," Sarah shot back. "At least she's not accosting you in the tub." She put her hands on her hips.

At this point in time, that display was enough to send anyone in the castle diving for cover. The count with his arms crossed, Sarah with her hands on her hips... it meant Trouble. Capital T.

"She is knocking my guests right out of the air!" The count still couldn't believe the arm on that woman... and ever since she'd discovered that hitting the bulb of garlic with a rather large sausage made it fly further things had gotten even worse. "I had to retrieve cousin Heinrich, with no small risk to my own safety I might add, from the side of the cliff, unconscious! He'd have plummeted to the bottom had his cloak not snagged on a rock!"

"I don't care, you don't lay a finger on her! She's still my Mama and if you hurt her I'm never sleeping with you again!" Sarah glared at the head-vampire. "Just sneak in your relatives when she's off chasing some random stranger or a villager!"

"There is no dignity in a count sneaking in his family! We're royalty, we only sneak OUT of places and besi..." the count stopped mid-sentence. "Wait a minute... you're not sleeping with me in the first place! The only time we ever came close were when you were unconscious or when you steal the bath!" And he fell for it... every damned time.

"And rightly so, the way you're shouting at me. You really aren't helping matters for yourself, you know." Sarah waved an accusing finger in the count's face before once again holstering it at her hip.

"I know, I'm so..." the count began in the way of those soul-broken husbands you see timidly shuffling after their wives, carrying a lot of expensive things they really didn't need. Then he caught himself. Oh, the deviousness of women! "No, I'm not, I have every right to be upset! Your mother is utterly insane and assaulting pretty much everyone in sight!"

"She has lost her husband and daughter... and in both cases it's your fault! She has every right to be grieving!" Sarah attempted to stare down the count, his gaze was easier to resist now she herself was a vampire. And Mama Chagal hitting him the face with a garlic sausage last Thursday, giving the elder vampire an appearance not unlike that of a raccoon made things even easier.

"I've been grieving for over four hundred years, you don't see me attacking people with a sausage, now do you?" The count tried, making himself as tall as he possibly could.

"Not far from it... bothering innocent you maidens while they're bathing... and don't tell me your 'sausage' doesn't have anything to do with that!" Sarah huffed.

"Father, can we go? I'm hungry!" Herbert announced as he walked up to them, too late realizing the seriousness of the predicament in which he'd just placed himself. The count and Sarah were bad enough when they were fighting with each other, but whenever someone bothered them in the midst of it they would suddenly be unified... directing their combined anger at whomever had the nerve to interrupt them.

The flamboyant vampire tried to find his lover to hide behind, but Alfred was nowhere to be seen as two sets of narrowed eyes fixed on Herbert. A nearby suit of armor was shaking in a rather suspicious way, though.

"No, Herbert, we cannot go," the count began, his voice low and dangerous.

"And do you know why not?" Sarah asked, slowly circling the blond vampire, placing him between herself and the count as they both advanced on him. Herbert was not foolish enough to reply.

"Because you attempted to steal her curtains last night!" the count bellowed, glaring at his son. "And now she's even more pissed off and therefore more dangerous than usual!"

"But... but surely she should run out of garlic soon?" Herbert tried, a nervous little laugh around his lips.

"No, she won't... she has struck a deal with the children of the village. They bring in the garlic as it is delivered to the inn and she doesn't hit them with a sausage," Sarah growled. The count's general terrifying-ness was broken by a brief wince at the memory of what such a simple implement could do in the skilled hands of Mama Chagal. If things didn't improve soon this year would have to be a masked ball.

"Well, there surely can't be a lot of bulbs left in Transylvania, right?" Herbert smiled nervously at his father and Sarah, trying to sound upbeat about the whole thing.

"There aren't, so now she's importing them! Haven't you read the labels?! Her current supply is coming from a place called Nouvion in France. Garlic is out of season there and since unions are in season that entire village is currently crawling with garlic-sellers!" the count barked.

"Well, excuse me for not reading the labels on things flying at me!"

It was a long time before all was quiet at castle Von Krolock. Mama Chagal stood outside as the sun rose above the cliff, hefting a garlic sausage in one hand.

She could wait...


End file.
